Wicked Welding

What do you think of my poem?

Plate

I feel the madness is milling in my emotions
Kissing me in my act wiring and lighting sick entangled
Anvils and hammers wicked circle directing the still dance
And birds sing like paint
Violins

The bar is empty
And let to a crows bed
By window I look and see to matter
Visions of a world amongst flowers and rain
For rememberances of a better independence still haunts my silhouette

A memory is made by my pen
The words beaten out and blown like a forged sword
In rings magical and matterial are the complexities of a black smith weld
High up in his tower forever chained to wielding a shackled mind
Forgotten amongst the atomic smoke plumes rising from living shapes

What are you guys talking about?
If you mean "I" as in first person then maybe
but if you mean "I" as in the pronoun usage
in this poem then I only spot like what..two.
lmao all the rest is portrayed through first person
And this was pretty good. Better structure though.
And have a better command of some of the vocab.
Try and have more emotional appeal and meaning
if you are after universal appeal then this needs
some work. I would start with enhancing the metaphors
and possibly adding more vivid imagery that could
envoke more warm responses in your readers.
What I do like, and I am going to give you a thumbs up
is that your writing is very unique and original.
Thats a good sign. Now you just need to practice.
And hone your talent so that it appears better than
it is read. Keep writing!

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